There is no such thing as bad publicity

I’m currently moving around some pretty ‘sensitive’ parts of the country, the kind of places you don’t take photographs, let alone blog about, so I can’t really say that much about my trip. However due to the long hours travelling; my brain dashing around my skull as my body bounces around the inside of the car like forgotten pocketful of loose change on a forty degree cycle, I’ve had plenty of time to think.

As I’m also generally surrounded by non-English speakers my inner parenthesised voice has made a takeover bid on my outer more unintelligible foreign voice, and that is bad news for my sanity. Some days the only English I hear is from myself, and I’m getting bored of my own conversation.

I visited a town where ‘the teacher’ was sent for to help the police and immigration official’s deal with my presence and paperwork. He told me they always send for him when a foreigner is in town.

“Oh wow, do a lot of foreigners come through here” I asked him, wondering if there was a particular bar that I hadn’t noticed where I might get a beer and meet other English speakers.

“Oh yes, we had two Germans visit this town in 2003”

Bugger.

The other day I discovered my inner parenthesised voice trying to update old proverbs into a more modern and relevant phrases, unbeknownst to me this had been going on for several hours, I’m not entirely sure what started this, but as I was doing nothing other than sitting/rocking/rolling around the car and gazing at thousands of kilometres of rice paddy it seemed a valid use of my hours and so I joined in.

These are the ones that I could retain after the journey, as my brain slowly stopped slopping around:

  • A watched download never completes.
  • Too many consultants spoil the project.
  • An apple a day means you’re still four away from achieving your recommended daily amount of industrial pesticides.
  • A text in time saves you checking your phone every 30 seconds to see if one has arrived and for some reason you didn’t hear it.
  • If you pay peanuts make sure that you have zero hour contracts drawn up.
  • Never judge a book by its film adaptation.
  • Do not cry over a smashed IPhone screen.
  • Don’t teach your Granny how to use the internet otherwise she’ll send you a friend request on Facebook, and that could get complicated.
  • Life is like a box of chocolates, never quite the same as the picture and getting more expensive every year.
  • If you can’t stand the heat, try Hello or Take a Break.
  • Don’t put all your files on one external hard drive.
  • Many a true word said on a Facebook status update comment.
  • If life gives you lemons, it’s time for a Gin and Tonic.
  • There are none so blind as those that are glued to their IPad.
  • A fool and his money are usually in email communications with a Nigerian Prince.
  • There is no such thing as bad publicity (Unless it turns out that you’re a celebrity paedophile or someone once drowned in your swimming pool)
  • A text is as good as a tweet to your Granddad.
  • To err is human, to forgive usually involves a lengthy compensation battle and a large amount of money.
  • Two is company, three is probably the sign of a marriage that needed spicing up.
  • What goes around, should be forwarded to ten of your favourite friends in the next ten minutes otherwise something really bad is going to happen to you in the next twenty-four hours, and someone you know may die in the next 5 years.
  • What is sauce for the goose, will probably cost you around about eight quid a bottle in Sainsbury’s, courtesy of Jamie.
  • When in Rome, go to McDonalds, H&M, Accessorize, Star-Bucks, French Connection, and Subway.
  • The grass is always greener when you have a hydroponics lab in the loft.
  • The best things come to those who take out loans from wonga.com.
  • An Englishman’s home (may be at risk if you fail to keep up with the payments.)
  • The longest journey starts with a ridiculous amount of fiddling about on a tiny Sat-Nav screen.
  • When the going gets tough, #manup.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, remove the unexpected item from the bagging area.

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