It seems too coincidental that just a few days after David Cameron rolled out the old “This is a Christian country with Christian Values, we’ll have no trouble here” speech like an old racist shopkeeper, he and his family, friends and everyone in Christendom and beyond who happen to be uber rich have been exposed to be paying exactly the same amount of tax as the Church in the UK.
“They are Christian values and they should give us the confidence to say yes, we are a Christian country and we are proud of it.”
I’m pretty sure offshore tax havens hadn’t been invented when Jesus said “Render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s”, otherwise he might have been a bit less ambiguous about what he was suggesting with regards the distribution of wealth for social good and what have you.
So the Panama Papers should come as no surprise to anyone, as they are only providing evidence of something that we’ve all know all along. It’s is a bit like finding out that this priest isn’t actually blessing that boy, or realising that Jeremy Corbyn really is as dull as we all suspected.
Lets not forget that it wasn’t that long ago that Jimmy Carr was morally wrong in Cameron’s (little piggy) eyes for burying his treasure on a desert island. And although Gideon’s family tax fiddling was only made public recently he hasn’t been particularly shy about advocating for the avoidance of inheritance tax on the odd occasion.
The nomdom tax avoidance status and dodgy business dealings of numerous Tory MPs such as Zac Goldsmith the Conservative candidate for London Mayor, (who it seems has spent so long living the life of luxury overseas that if you gave him a map of the south of England he would struggle to pinpoint London) is also welll documented.
The various Lords and donors and other parasitic lowlifes, Lord Ashcroft being a prime example, (he who gave twitter one of the greatest gifts it had ever received with #piggate) have been fiddling the books since a time when the Queen went by the name Saxe-Coburg-Gotha.
This is merely a drama, and nothing that a few sound bites won’t clear up. Cameron will continue to answer the wrong questions at PMQS like Ronnie Corbett on Mastermind, and accountants will get a bit more innovative with their paperwork. The only outcome will be that a few people who are immensely rich might have to pay a few quid in taxes, (and more than likely a lot less than they should have paid anyway) a bit like that time when Gideon persuaded Google to empty their tea kitty. Shredder manufacturing company shares will go through the roof as offices are hastily ‘tidied up’, and the pile of laptops sitting at the bottom of the Thames under Westminster Bridge will see its biggest influx since that time Gary Glitter thought it might be a good idea to pop into PC world.
With the media distracted by this scandal, and front pages on hold for the next revelations, (apart from the Express who for some inexplicable reason have gone with an even bigger story) I imagine Gideon, ©HUNT, Crabb and Morgan are huddled around a steaming legislative cauldron cooking up a societal misery so cataclysmic that our children’s children will be plagued by it. When the dust settles on Panama papers, and the murky green smoke of Gideon’s evil spell casting dissipates it will all be too late.
Hospitals will be ‘Medicinal-Academies’ where patients can self-study to self-diagnose and self- medicate on banks of computers all set to nhs.co.uk. Schools will be ‘Academies for Compliance’ where our children will learn the complexities of using the right grammar on their benefits forms. Food banks will be renamed ‘meal-appreciation-academies’, and the newly privatised job centre in Port Talbot will be refurbished in expensive burnished Chinese steel, and titled the “The People’s Academy of work progression through privatisation”.
The scandal surrounding Panama papers will slowly disappear in very much the same way that the leaks by Assange, Snowden and Manning did, with the information being carefully managed and manipulated away from the public consciousness. Any enquiry will have to join the back of a very long queue of parliament irregularity investigations that seem destined to drag on until Tony Bliar breathes his last.
At least we’ll always have those Christian values to pull us through the tough times.
Like Jesus said…
“When you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.” Luke 14:14